When the World is in Crisis, Yours Don’t Stop…

When the world is in crisis, your own personal crisis doesn’t stop. We know this intellectually and yet it can be hard sometimes to reconcile, and to not feel guilty for worrying about how you’re going to meet that work deadline and still make it to daycare pick up on time when people in LA are sifting through the rubble of what, just a few days ago, was their home, or business, or life’s savings. You can’t hit the pause button on the events and due dates and schedules and requirements of your day-to-day life just because something tragic is happening in the world…And yet we often want to, because worrying about our own day-to-day seems trivial and petty and small and selfish when someone else is worrying about where they’re going to sleep tonight.

Here's the truth we all know but can easily forget: there is always crisis in the world. The news cameras are only pointed towards a few (those that will bring in the biggest ratings), but there is always someone who needs our help. And while that’s always been the case, it’s only recently in human history that we’ve had the technology to actually see and hear the crisis of others in a city or country far away. There’s upside to this of course (we know what’s going on therefore we know there is a need for help; we can take action to help; we can create awareness to aim to prevent that crisis or suffering from spreading).

But the downside is pretty clear: our brains were literally not wired to consume and process the amount of information we now do. And because our brains were designed to keep us safe, our brains are always scanning for the negative first as a way to play defense against anything that could harm us. So we’re drawn to the 24/7 news channels to doomscrolling…but the scale at which we consume the negativity is more than we’re wired to handle. So all that negative input actually does impact how we function. Everything from our ability to focus or motivate to our ability to problem solve or remember details can all be negatively impacted by the information overload we’re all under, all day every day.

Add to this the fact that our lives don’t stop when crisis occurs in another city – so here we are, dealing with newsfeeds filled with unimaginable tragic images of LA in ashes while also trying to understand why our kid is suddenly biting other kids at school, or why our friend hasn’t responded to our messages in a week, or why our boss scheduled that nondescript Friday afternoon meeting…And with our brains less able to solve problems and manage emotions, we’re trying to manage a world in which what we see are more problems and what we experience are bigger emotions….

So what do we do? While the obvious answers may be “cut down on the social media” or “turn off the TV”, we’re going to push beyond that here (because if you’re reading this you’ve probably already tried the “obvious answers” and they’re not really solving the problem anyways….) My coaching is about helping my clients take ownership of their thoughts, actions and results, so that they can be the ones in charge of their lives, now and in the future, regardless of the past or whatever circumstances surround them.  And part of that ownership is recognizing that 1) your pain is real and valid, and 2) you feeling your pain doesn’t take away from anyone else feeling theirs. Suffering is not a zero sum game. There is plenty to go around.  

Now, if you’re like me, your brain is probably immediately going to “Yeah but…” scenarios as you read this…”Yeah but someone losing their home in a fire is way worse than my kid going through a behavior phase in elementary school…” or “Yeah but my partner losing a job doesn’t compare to someone losing their life…” We can argue (and probably agree) with these points all day long – but as a coach, my job is to help you open your brain to what it’s not likely to see. And when our brains do this “Yeah but…” comparison thing, I like to just turn back to my brain and ask it a bunch of questions to just get my wheels spinning in a different direction. It may look something like this:

“OK brain, yes sure, someone who lost their home in a fire is in an acute crisis and my anxiety about the big presentation at work is nothing in comparison. But also….”

·       Why does it matter if someone’s fear/sadness/anxiety/stress is worse than mine?

·       How is it helpful to tell myself that my discomfort is less than hers?

·       How is it helpful to tell myself that her pain is worse than mine?

·       What would be more helpful for me to think here?

·       What if I got to have my pain/fear/sadness/anxiety and she got to have hers, and I didn’t compare them?

No one will get through life without having to navigate struggles, and without having to witness the struggles of others.  And the goal here is not to deny that there is a pain scale – that sometimes, someone else’s loss is bigger than yours; that some pain is easier to get over, or some problems are faster to resolve, or some hurts are easier to move past than others…But does it matter?

 What if you got to have your pain (or stress or overwhelm or anxiety) about your day-to-day, and someone else got to have theirs, and you didn’t need to compare? And what if focusing on your pain wasn’t selfish but was actually an act of selflessness – because you’re going to be in a much better position to help those with “bigger” pain once you’ve given yours a chance to subside?

Or what if we simply shared each other’s pain? Not to overburden someone who is suffering with our suffering too, but to simply make an effort to help someone feel seen and heard and recognized (and in return, feeling that ourselves)?  

In other words, maybe the best we can do is not judge ourselves for our “less” pain and not turn away from those in “more”. Help when you can. Rest when you need. Know that life isn’t fair and suffering isn’t doled out equally, but that sometimes the act of just letting someone know they’re not alone in theirs is enough to help you both.