Ep. 17: "I Can't Believe I Haven't Figured This Out By Now"

Whether it’s money, weight loss, or any other number of topics that we may be wrestling with, most of us have at least one thing that we can’t believe we haven’t figured out by now…Decades of dieting, paying off credit cards just to run them up again…whatever the issue is, beating yourself up by not having solved this problem “by now” is not the answer. On this episode Coach Stephanie talks about her own “I can’t believe I haven’t figured this out yet” problem - credit card debt - and the 4 step process she uses with clients to overcome whatever their long-standing issue might be. 

Hey guys, before you start this episode, just a quick note. Around minute 7 to minute 9, you're going to hear the sound gets kind of wonky. It sounds underwater. I just had an issue in recording and couldn't quite correct it and did not want to delay getting out this episode any further because I actually really like this one. So, just wanted to flag for you if you hear the sound get weird, that's what it is. It will correct itself around minute 9, 10. All right. I hope you enjoy the episode.

Hey, everyone, welcome to another episode of the I'm the Problem podcast. My name is Stephanie Finigan. I am bringing to you today a topic which has come up not only repeatedly with clients that I've coached but also multiple times in my own life which is this idea of I can't believe I haven't figured this out by now. That thought, that very toxic and unhelpful thought is actually so unbelievably common because so many of us have one thing or a couple of things thatwe just feel like, oh my God, how did I get to this age and I haven't figured this out? I haven't mastered this. I keep screwing this up. I keep coming up short. I can't believe I haven't figured this out. Everybody else has figured this out and I haven't.

So for some people, that topic is related to money. For others, it's related to maybe weight loss, for others it's related to relationships or marriage, maybe it's career, whatever it is for you, it's very likely that there's something in your life that you feel like you should have figured out by now, you're an adult, you're in your 30s, 40s, 50s, whatever it is, and feel like, oh my God, how am I still wrestling with this? how am I still wrestling with this? So that's what we're gonna be talking about on today's show.

I love this topic because I lived it for a very long time, particularly with my financial life and my money. And it took me until I was in my very late 30s, early 40s, and started getting involved in coaching before I actually was able to change my money mindset, break my money habits that were not serving me, and get myself into a much more comfortable place financially. And so this one is really personal to me because the amount of shame and embarrassment that I carried thinking I can't believe I haven't mastered my money yet, this far into my 30s, this far into my adulthood, it really weighed heavily on me. I said, I've coached so many people on this exact thing, this idea of, I can't believe I haven't resolved this yet. I haven't figured this out. I haven't solved it.

So to start, I want to break down what's actually happening here. When you reach this point of thinking, I can't believe I haven't figured this out by now. And there's really three distinct things that are going on from a mindset perspective when that thought or a similar thought is coming up for you. So, first and foremost, when you have something that you want to achieve and you haven't been able to achieve it, it's because you're not taking the actions that will allow you to achieve it, right? That's very straightforward. This is not, this is not splitting the atom here. If you want to pay off your credit cards and you continue to charge things on your credit cards and not pay them off, then you are not going to reach the goal of paying off your credit cards. It's very simple.

So apply that to whatever your specific example is. There are actions that you're taking that are not getting you the result that you want, that are getting you the opposite of the result that you want, but you continue to take those actions. There's usually some benefit to you doing that, and that's the first thing we want to address here is just acknowledging that before you can move in a different direction, before you can take different actions, you have to acknowledge what you're doing now and why you're doing it.

Our brains want to keep doing things that feel good or that have some benefit to us no matter how badly you might want to stop doing that thing. So there are reasons why you keep doing it. It has some upside for you. So figuring out what that upside is is a really important step if you want to ultimately change your behavior. You can't solve a problem that you won't acknowledge is there. So you need to at least acknowledge what is the upside to me continuing to do this thing that isn't getting me towards my goal.

Okay, the second thing that's happening here is that there's an emotional component happening. When we have something that we really want to reach or achieve or get there and we just can't and we have this thought like I cannot believe I haven't figured this out yet I can't believe I haven't got there yet I can't believe I'm still wrestling with this issue when we have thoughts like that there comes with those thoughts a huge amount of shame or embarrassment or discomfort or even hopelessness in those thoughts, right?

So remember, if you know, if you followed my coaching at all, our thoughts create our emotions, and emotions are just vibrations in your body. The way that they get there is when you feel that yucky feeling of shame or that kind of pit in your stomach of regret, or if you feel like embarrassed, like you can notice you're feeling it somewhere in your body, your cheeks get flushed, or your stomach, you know, kind of drops to your butt or whatever. Like, that's all happening because you had a thought. And so the thought, I can't believe I haven't figured this out yet, or the thought, I should have figured this out by now, or I can't believe I'm still wrestling with this, is creating some sort of emotion like shame or embarrassment. And that emotion is actually what's keeping you from taking the actions you need to take to get you to where you really want to be.

So it's really important just to think through that and think, okay, when I know I want to stop spending on the credit card, but I charge it anyway, what's the feeling that I feel? When I see the credit card statement at the end of the month, and there's a big balance on it, and my goal was to pay it off, and I didn't, instead I charged more, and you're thinking, I can't believe I did this again, I can't believe I'm still wrestling with this. What's the emotion that's coming up for you? Name that emotion. It's really important to do that.

The other piece of this, it might be its own component, but I sort of shoved it under emotions, is there is a component in this idea of I should have figured this out by now that's related to other people. We wouldn't feel like we should have figured something out by now. We wouldn't have those feelings of shame or embarrassment or disappointment in ourselves or discomfort or whatever the emotion is, we wouldn't be feeling that unless we were comparing ourselves in some way to what's around us.

If you were just in a bubble and you were having this experience, you wouldn't know that you should or shouldn't be doing things. When we start to say, I should be doing this or I should be doing that, it's usually because there's other people's influence involved. And so you really want to be aware of that. We see other people who've lost the weight. We see other people who've paid off the credit cards. We see other people who've found the right marriage. Whatever it is, we see other people doing the thing that we've struggled with, and we assume that they're right and we're wrong because we haven't figured this thing out yet, and they have. There's so many reasons this isn't useful, but it's very normal thinking. So it's just really important to be aware of this.

Okay, so then the third and final component of this is that when we're thinking thoughts like, I can't believe I haven't figured this out by now, what happens is we sort of it's like throwing the car into neutral, right? It's like we're just not, we're kind of coasting, we just, we stop taking new actions. We stop giving things enough time to work. We stop reaching out for new ways to address the problem or to see different results. What we do is we just sort of stay stuck where we are. And if you keep trying to solve the same problem by taking the same actions without doing anything different, you're probably going to get the same result.

If you keep trying to quit sugar the same way, if you keep trying to pay off the credit card the same way, if you keep trying to communicate with your partner in the same way, and none of those things have worked in the past, they're likely not going to work again. If you are thinking, I can't believe I haven't figured this out by now, you are very unlikely to try and find a new way. The most you're probably going to do is continue to take the same actions and hope to get different results. And it's the whole banging your head against the wall thing. So you might be thinking like, well, I tried every diet to lose weight and I still can't. Or I've tried to be calmer and not yell at my kids, but I still yell. Or I've tried to cut up my credit cards, but I still overspend.

But what I'm talking about here is all of the other actions you could take to get to your goal that you aren't even letting your brain explore because you're stuck in this thinking of, I should have figured this out by now, I can't believe I haven't figured this out, why haven't I figured this out, oh my God, I'm still wrestling with this. You're in that thought cycle, you're not even giving your brain a chance to come up with anything new or creative or interesting or a different way to try and solve the problem. So really important to notice those three different things and how they might be affecting you as you think about this challenge or this goal that you wanna overcome and that you're struggling to.

Okay, so before we get to the what do you do about this, I'm gonna give you a specific example related to money. So I've had clients who wanna get out of debt, like I talked about specifically consumer debt, credit cards come up all the time. That was my Achilles heel for a very long time. So clients will tell me how much they want to stop overspending on the credit card or how bad it feels to have this debt or how ashamed they are. They can't break this habit of overspending.

I know I wrestled with this myself for so long that I was constantly running up my credit card and then paying it off over and over again. And I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I had credit card debt at all. I had enough money. I had good jobs. Like why could I not break this habit of overspending? So I personally really relate to this. So the first step towards changing that I can't believe I haven't figured this out by now, spending habit is acknowledging that there is a benefit to I got things that I wanted that I didn't have the cash to afford, right? And we're talking big things. Like I took big trips. I mean, I've done a lot of things because of my credit cards. The reality is those things were a benefit to me, but more so, we say this in coaching all the time, anytime you want something, anytime you go get something, it's because of how you think you're going to feel once you have it.

And so for me, it wasn't really about the getting of the things or the travel or whatever it was that I was using my credit card for. It was that I had walked around for so much of my life feeling less than or different than other people, because growing up, my family didn't have as much money as the people that I saw around me. So that always made me feel like I wasn't quite as good as everybody else. And somewhere along the way, I got a hold of a credit card, and I thought, okay, I can just kind of spend and then suddenly I can feel like everybody else and I can be wearing the same clothes and I can be buying all the same things and going on the same vacations and I don't have to feel different. I don't have to feel less than. So it's really important to just acknowledge I wasn't spending because I was being wildly irresponsible. I was doing, there was a real reason behind it. There was a benefit to me.

Now, there's a lot of work I've done to untangle all of that thinking, but it's just really important to notice, like, it's not about the thing, it's about how I was feeling. And so for you, good to think about what is the benefit to you of whatever it is that you're doing that you know you don't want to be doing. Because the reality is there is a benefit and that's okay. Have some self-compassion and just acknowledge that. of I can't believe I haven't figured this out by now, it's really important again to think as I was thinking that thought, what were the emotions? And for me, like I said, shame or embarrassment were the emotions that were coming up when I was thinking those kinds of thoughts. And so it was the shame and the embarrassment of having the credit card debt that actually led me to keep spending because spending was making me feel better.

Also, when it comes to the other people example, I definitely felt like all my friends had this figured out and I didn't. It turns out, as I would come to learn as I got older, no, no, that's not the case. That being said, it definitely felt like that. And it made me feel so much worse in the moment because I was making it mean that like, see, I'm still not as good as everybody else. See, I'm still less than because I had credit card debt and I assumed nobody else around me did. And then finally, you know, I wasn't taking any new actions to try to get out of this habit because it's really hard to get yourself to take different actions when you haven't addressed the underlying problem, which is the shame and the emotions that you have. And for me, it was the shame and the emotions I was having that were being triggered by my thoughts about my debt in the first place. And so it's those feelings that were driving me to overspend. So until I changed those feelings, I wasn't gonna be able to really change my actions, certainly not in a lasting way. And I proved that by continuing to pay off my credit cards and then run them up again.

So again, I'd say to you, for whatever your example is, think about what are the actions that you're taking over and over to try to solve this that aren't working for you? And just start thinking about like, why aren't I changing my actions? Like what are the emotions that might be holding me back here? Okay, so that was my story with credit card debt. I know you have your own story with whatever it is for you that you can't believe you haven't figured out by now. It might be like I said weight or relationships, your career, some other habit, maybe it's self-doubt, maybe it's you know speaking in public, whatever the thing is that you want to get to and you can't get there. I'm going to walk us through what the four steps are to overcome this and start thinking about it through the lens of whatever it is that you're struggling with. Because once you actually can identify that and then start to break apart your challenge the way I just did with the money example, you're going to be able to finally figure out how to address this and move past it, achieve it, get over it, embrace it, whatever your ultimate goal is, you're going to be able to get there finally.

Alright, so there's four steps.

Step number one is you want to again acknowledge the benefit that your current actions are bringing you and be honest. Don't accept I don't know. I have a lot of clients where I'll say well what's the upside of you doing this? What's the benefit to you? And my clients will be like I don't know there isn't any. I'm going to ask you to push back on your brain if it serves you up an I don't know. Is the action feeling good in the moment? No matter what the action is, if you're spending money, if you're overeating, over drinking, over scrolling, binging TV when you would rather be doing other things, like is that action feeling good in the moment? And is it allowing you to stay safe? Is it helping you to avoid being seen or avoid going somewhere or avoid dealing with something that you don't want to deal with. There is an upside. So just identify whatever that is.

Second, name the feeling that you're having. Again, I spoke about shame and embarrassment. Whatever the feeling is for you, name the feeling that you're having when you're thinking, oh my God, I should have figured this out by now. I can't believe I figured this out. And remember that that feeling is not coming from the actions, it's not coming from the results you have. It's not coming from the debt or the weight or whatever it is for you that you're trying to solve for. It's coming from the thought you have about the debt or the weight. I can't believe I haven't figured this out. Can't believe I haven't lost the weight. Can't believe I haven't paid off these credit cards. Just identify and name the feeling and remember it's tied to those thoughts.

Okay, step three is notice if or how other people are impacting you. So again, you could just ask yourself a few questions here to start to kind of rattle loose the thoughts in your head about this. So ask yourself, if you feel like other people might be influencing you, and it's likely that they are, just ask yourself, why does it matter to me if someone else has figured this out by now and I haven't? Be honest when you ask yourself these questions, but why does it matter to me that my sister-in-law has figured out weight loss and she's lost all of this weight and I haven't? Why does that matter? What am I making it mean about me that I haven't figured this out and this other person has? Is it true? Whatever I'm making this mean about me, is that true? And what else could be true? Maybe I should have figured this out by now, but maybe not. Is there any upside to me not having figured this out by now? What if right now is exactly when I'm supposed to figure this out? What is the upside to me just now figuring this out, instead of five years ago, ten years ago, two years ago? I love those questions because those can actually bring up a lot of really interesting insights for you. If you ask your brain quality questions, your brain is going to give you quality answer so ask it quality questions like that.

Okay, and then step four with a clearer mind and a calmer emotional state Which you have now because you've identified the feelings that are rattling around in there You've identified how other people might be influencing you you've identified honestly You've been honest about you know what the benefits of all this are having a little compassion for yourself. So with all of that going on, revisit your actions. There's a bunch of ways that you can attack the action side of things. But when you're in this place of dealing with something you've tried to address over and over again, like paying off the debt or the weight or whatever it is, I just like to completely hit the restart button. If I've been trying something for a long time and I just can't get it right, I like to just burn it all down and start over completely. So if you have this clear the decks mentality, you can just start from the very beginning. How do you want to meet your goal if you could do so any way possible? If you could lose that weight, how would you want to do it in any way possible? If you could pay off the credit card debt, how could you do that in any way possible? If you could take any actions to get there, what would they be? Ask yourself that question.

So for example, for some clients, they, and I'll use a weight loss example here, but for some clients, they want to be on a strict diet for a short amount of time and lose a specific amount of weight because they've got a specific date or an event or something that they're going after. There are actions that will lead you to a result if that is your mentality, right? That's one approach. Now, what I would suggest is in addition to the diet you knew that worked for you and whatever other habits you have that you know have worked for you in the past, what's one other action that you can add to that that might make this a little bit different and therefore more successful or successful in the long run for you? So for example, hiring a coach, that is one. So sometimes people will say, okay, I've done this before by myself, but I want to hire a coach and really focus on this. Or for other people, it might just be like starting a journal practice or doing something slightly different to help manage their mindset along with taking those actions. So that's one approach, right?

For other people who want to lose weight, they might go through this exercise and they might realize they don't want to lose weight in a way that's going to be stressful or hard for them. And they're okay with it taking longer if it can be easy for them. They might take totally new actions this time around, different than they ever have done before, because they're leading with the thought, I just want to make this easy, even if it takes longer. So that's a very different approach. There's a lot of different ways that you can attack actions differently, but whatever it is for you, the point is burn everything down. Start from the very beginning and ask yourself, okay, if I could do this in any way, what would I really want to do? What actions would I really want to take? How would I really want to get there? And start from there.

All right, and finally, I'm just gonna leave you with this. Your past has nothing to do with your future. So if you haven't figured something out yet, if you're like, I still can't, I can't believe I'm still wrestling with this thing, that doesn't mean you won't figure it out. Your past is not your current you, and it's not your future you. You just get to decide right now if this is something that you still want to do, and if it is, now you have four steps to go through that will get you there. It is entirely possible, whatever it is that you've been chasing, it is entirely possible for you to get it. And if you've been chasing something for a really long time, good God, do not give up. Do not give up now. You have new tools right now at the end of this episode. So just get started.

Okay, that's what I have for you guys today. I hope you like this episode. If you feel like you need more help, if you feel like you want to talk things through, there are tons of ways to get in touch with me over at makeyourpivot.co. So jump over there, ways to work together through one-on-one coaching. There is free email coaching you can access. So get over there, send me your questions, let me know what you need help on. I would love to coach you guys on this. And I encourage you to sign up for a 60-minute free coaching session with me. You can do that over at makeyourpivot.co. We will coach together for 60 minutes. It's completely free and you can then get a feel for what it is to work with me one-on-one as well as walk away from that session with some practical guidance on how to move forward towards figuring out whatever it is that you've been trying to figure out for so long. You have what it takes to move forward. You got this. I will talk to you guys next week. I will talk to you guys next week.