The 40-something Birthday Battle (and why it doesn’t have to be a battle)
My birthday is this week. For a lot of people - especially women - birthdays past the age of 40 are to be groaned about, not celebrated. Thankfully for me, I was never one of those people. I can obsess or spin out about a lot of things, but officially getting older on my birthday each year has never been one of them.
I remember being in college the year we all turned 22 and a friend saying “Omg we’re so old!” And my immediate response was, “When we’re 32 you’re going to be so annoyed at your 22-year-old self for saying that.” (I’m no prophecy but was I right or was I right?). I don’t know where this relaxed-about-aging attitude came from (I’m not relaxed about much else…), but I do know that it’s served me as the years have passed. I don’t easily buy into the “I’m too old for this” or “It’s too late for me” story that many of us believe. Since I’ve turned 40 I’ve done a ton of shit that I was “too old” for or it was “too late” for me to do. A few examples:
changed careers
became a certified life coach
started a business
founded a nonprofit
ran 2 marathons
got married
became a parent
became a dog owner (and obsessive)
…the list goes on. “It’s too late” is just a story. There’s no reason to believe it if you don’t want to.
And yes, there’s no denying things change in ways we may not be psyched about once we hit a certain age (like my running times that have slowed, and the fact that I add a line item in my budget for Botox now…). But the other thing that happens after the age of 40 (or at least, did for me) is that my attitude about time, other people, and myself changed, all for the better. I’ve noticed as I’ve moved into my 40’s that:
my patience for bull shit has shrunk to zero
my worry about what others think of me has shrunk as well - not to zero but to a degree that is FAR less than when I was younger
I’m smarter about the world around me and the people around me
I can handle so. much. more with much. less. drama than I used to
I have more confidence than I ever did
I have more ideas than I ever idea
I have more desire to actually get shit done because I have more respect for time and how quickly it goes by
I waste far fewer words where they won’t make a difference
I am much more comfortable letting go of, or adjusting the bar on, friends or people around me who aren’t making me feel good, or who just don’t fit with who I am now. And I know that’s completely OK; no one did anything wrong, people just grow up and grow differently sometimes.
I can let shit go a lot faster but the stuff that’s important I put even more time and energy in to.
All the reasons I like getting older are the same reasons that I believe, genuinely, why your 40s are the ideal time to start a business or make any big life change you want. Once you hit your 40s your focus becomes more clear, your time becomes more precious, your desire to spend energy on shit that doesn’t matter lessens while the things that do matter to you take center stage. You often have more responsibilities, sure, but you also often have more know-how, more experience and sometimes more money (or at least more credit).
Even if you want to start something brand new - a hobby, a fitness plan, a career in a new industry, a relationship that doesn’t fit your expected norm - your 40s are an amazing time to do it. Think about all of the things you’ve done in the last 40-ish years that were hard, were new, were thrown at you, were challenging, were situations where you had to sink or swim. And you didn’t sink. You’re still here. You’ve made it this far….and now you’ve got years of evidence showing you that you can handle new shit, do hard things, learn on the fly, and succeed at things you’ve never done before.
I see so many people, particularly women, turn 40 and treat it like some sort of dead end. We act like “OK well I’m 40 now….I’ve made my bed so I guess I need to lie in it.” Why we do this just blows my mind. You hit 40 and that’s it? You’ve got another 60 years ahead and you’re just going to, what, tread water?
Fuck that.
That’s an old story, an old narrative, and it can be rewritten.
Start today.
What’s the thing you want to do but you feel like you can’t because you think, “I’m too old” or “It’s too late for me” or “I should have done that when I was younger” or “I want to but I have too many responsibilities now….”?
Name it, name that thing that you want to go after so bad but the noise in your head is holding you back from doing it….
And then, rather than argue back, just for a moment ask yourself, “Yeah OK, but what if I did it anyway…..?”
What if you are too old, and you do it anyway?
What if it is too late, and you do it anyway?
What if you should have done it when you were younger, and you do it now anyway?
What if you do have too many responsibilities now, and you move forward with it anyway?
What if you could stop being scared and stop playing small and stop believing antiquated stories about what you should and shouldn’t be doing at 40, and just did the shit you really want to do anyway?
Fuck the narrative. 40 is nothing, 50 is nothing, 30 is nothing….they’re just numbers. It’s all just a story in your mind. Decide what you want, rewrite the narrative to one that actually serves you, and go get what you want.
Make your 22-year-old self proud.