Episode 7: The Problem with Perfectionism

We all know there's no such thing as "perfect" and yet so many of us let our perfectionism get in the way of our goals. We think, "If I can't do this perfectly, what's the point of even trying?" Whether it's weight loss, relationships, making money, building a business, paying off debt, launching a podcast, or accomplishing anything else that we want, perfectionism can get in the way even for those of us who never thought of themselves as perfectionists. On this episode Coach Stephanie talks about being a perfectionist (without realizing it), and how it impacted even the making of this exact episode of the show. If you're looking to manage your own perfectionism so that you can move forward with whatever your goals are, this (imperfect!) episode can help.

Hey, friends. Welcome to another episode of the I'm the Problem podcast. I'm your coach, Stephanie Finnegan, and on today's show, we're going to be talking about perfectionism and when perfectionism gets in the way of you accomplishing the things you want to accomplish.

I love the topic of perfectionism because I am somebody who never thought of myself as a perfectionist and after doing a lot of work with my coaches over time I've realized, um, no, that's not true. In many ways I have a lot of perfectionist tendencies that don't come in packages that you would expect and I can see very clearly how those tendencies have blocked me from moving forward and meeting a number of goals or things I've wanted to do.

So for today, we're going to both unpack what perfectionism is and then talk about how to overcome it when it is showing up for you and blocking you from doing things you want to do. Perfect example for today is this podcast. I like to use real life examples from my own life or examples from clients that I've coached to demonstrate how coaching tools can really help anyone overcome the specific challenge we're talking about on each episode. In this case it's a little meta because sitting down to record this podcast for this week I have a very small amount of time right now to record this podcast. I have someone coming to my house in less than an hour, house isn't cleaned, I'm not showered, I have a kid napping, the monitor's next to me any minute, they might wake up and I'm thinking I just have to get this done because I'm trying to ensure that I'm consistent with this pod every week after taking a long and unexpected break at the start of 2024. However, I also am thinking, I want this to be good. I want it to deliver value. I want it to sound good. I want to make sure people that are listening get something out of it that's useful. So I don't want to put something out that is like a half-assed pod.

I just sat down to record an episode about a totally different topic. And as I was going through it, I realized, I don't like this. It didn't make sense. The content wasn't flowing right. I kept kind of rewinding and going back in terms of how I was speaking. I didn't even really like the topic that I was talking about. I feel like I kind of sketched it out in a bit of a rush. And so after spending 45 minutes working on it, I thought, no, I'm not doing this. I'm not recording this episode. I'm just going to have to start from the beginning. And then I realized, like, this is a perfect moment to talk about perfectionism, because there's that saying, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, or don't let perfectionism be the enemy of progress. We spend so much time making sure that something is perfect, that we then don't get something done, or we don't get it out there. I would rather put out an episode to you guys that's pretty good, that has content in it that I think is going to be useful for you, than put out an episode that is sparkling and perfect and I never say um and it's edited as if I was in a professional studio and all of those things because the reality is if I keep waiting for this podcast to be perfect, I will never get it out. So while this podcast, this episode, every episode of the show could be better than it is, I decided I would rather get the show out than continue to hold it back and not release it because it's not at 100% quality. So today, when I realized like, I don't have that much time, I hate this episode that I'm recording and it's not right. I just stopped and realized like, okay, this is a perfect moment to say, you know what? I'm gonna get on the mic. I'm gonna record a podcast episode. I'm gonna talk about perfectionism and how it can prevent us from doing things because:

A. I'm experiencing it in this moment.

B. I've experienced it before.

C. I think somebody out there will find it useful and be an example for them and that's the whole point of this show in the first place.

And D, I just really want to get a podcast done today. I'm going to do it, even if it's slightly different than what I thought it would be, even if it's very different than what I thought it would be.

So starting from there and breaking that down just a little bit more and making it applicable to you. Perhaps you don't have a podcast that you're trying to produce, but perhaps you have something you're trying to do, whether it's a project at work, maybe it is a podcast, maybe you're trying to get a business off the ground, maybe you have a business and you are thinking about perfectionism in terms of your social reels. I've had coaching clients who were artists or one was a hairstylist, and perfectionism was very important to those people because their field and their livelihood really depended on something looking right. Perfectionism was then stopping those folks from moving forward in certain directions because they felt that things weren't exactly as visually as they wanted it to be.

Okay, so let's just define perfectionism for a moment. I think we all know what we mean when we talk about perfectionism. For me, I'd always envisioned perfectionists as someone whose home is very beautiful all the time, or they look put together all the time, or there's somebody who is an artist, is a creative person, or somebody who is a straight-A student and who has to dot every I and cross every T and won't put something out into the world until it's absolutely exactly the way they want it to be. That certainly is the classic idea of a perfectionist.

Another way to think about perfectionism, which I think is helpful because it kind of broadens the definition of it, is perfectionism is very closely related to black and white thinking. If you're somebody who tends to do a lot of black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, that is also perfectionism. So if I'm somebody who will not put my podcast out until it's a hundred percent perfect, that's black and white thinking. Or somebody who is dieting, if they don't follow that diet to the exact T that day, they think, fuck it, never mind, I'm just going all in on the cookies and the crap today, and I'll start again next Monday, or I'll start again tomorrow. And that's perfectionism too, that is black and white thinking, that's all or nothing thinking, that's either I am super on top of and following this diet down to every last detail, or just saying like, screw it, I don't even care, and I'm just going completely crazy in the kitchen because I didn't do it right and therefore what's the point and I'll start again tomorrow when I can do it exactly right. That is all-or-nothing thinking. That's another version of perfectionism.

I see it in relationships, people that want coaching on relationships and it's like well I either have to find the perfect partner for myself that fits all of this criteria or I'm not gonna move forward with this relationship. That's some all-or-nothing thinking.

It shows up in a lot of areas of our lives. I had another client struggling with debt. It was either like the credit card was at zero balance and she wasn't using it at all ever or she was running it up thousands of dollars and then paying it down again. Because I'm either perfect at managing this credit card and for her managing the credit card meant zero balance all the time versus if I'm not perfect at it, then never mind. I'm just going nuts and then later on down the road, I'll clean it up and fix it again.

So you see what I'm saying. That's perfectionism. That's another version of it. So I love to introduce that as a way to think about perfectionism because I fall into a lot of black and white, all or nothing thinking. That happens a lot for me. Once it was introduced to me as a version of perfectionism, it actually was really interesting because I never thought of myself as a perfectionist and now I can catch myself doing it and then realize how that isn't helpful for me. And the reason it's not helpful, as we all know, there is no such thing as perfect. Meaning, there's nothing that is universally accepted as perfect.

If you are somebody like thinking of my hair stylist client, she had a vision in her head of what she wanted photos to look like before she put them on her social media account because, again, she's a stylist and she wanted to make sure that everything looked perfect before it went up on her account because it represented her work and her work is about making sure that someone's hair looks a certain way and looks aesthetically pleasing. That all makes a lot of sense. The challenge is what's perfect to her might not be perfect to somebody else. And so trying to define perfect is really undefinable. And then in addition she was struggling with if she didn't get it perfect then she wasn't getting it up at all. So rather than putting herself out on social media with what she thought was imperfect photos she just had no photos out. It creates a different problem because then you're in a business where you're trying to promote yourself and you want to put yourself out on social media, you have to put yourself out on social media. You have to put your stuff out there She was kind of stuck in this trap of like well, I know I need to put stuff out there But also I don't want to put it out until it's perfect and I can't seem to get it perfect And it's like of course you can't get it perfect because there's no such thing. And so it's it really interesting when you start to look at it from that standpoint of, would you rather get something done or would you rather wait until it's perfect to get it out there?

There probably are cases where doing something perfectly is necessary. I don't want my surgeon to be somebody who's willing to be cool with like B- work. Okay, fine. If we're talking about surgery, we can put aside the discussion of good enough versus perfectionism. Most of the time, you can have friends come over to your house, and the house can be a mess, and it's okay. It doesn't matter if the house isn't perfect. It doesn't matter if the podcast isn't perfect, because if there's a nugget of information in there that's helpful to somebody, then I've done my job. Then you've done your job as a podcaster. And again, it's back to this concept of would you rather be perfect, or would you rather get something done?

I also like to think about this in the sense of what is the purpose of what I'm trying to do? Who am I trying to serve? What's the goal I'm trying to reach? And will that goal be accomplished if I am waiting for perfection before I actually do this? What I mean by that is, I'll use myself as an example again, the goal of my podcast is the same as the goal of my business, which the podcast is an extension of, and it's the same as my goal as a professional, which is to help people. My goal as a coach is to help people. The goal of my business is to help people. The goal of this podcast is to help people. So what is the relationship between my podcast being perfect and me helping people? There kind of isn't one. It's a little bit like apples and unicorns. There's not a huge connection. Will there be people that don't listen to my podcast if the quality or the content is not perfect? Sure, there will be. But will there be people that listen to the podcast anyway, even if it's not perfect? Yeah, there will be. And will those people get something out of it? I certainly hope so. That's my intention. I'm pretty sure that some people will listen to an imperfect podcast and get some value out of it. I'm also very sure that nobody will get value out of a podcast that I don't produce and put into the world because it's not good enough. So perfectionism is the thing that could potentially stop me from meeting my goal of helping people who are interested in the content that I am talking about. The people that I want to coach, that I want to reach, that I want to help, they are not going to be helped by me holding back because my podcast isn't perfect.

So it's really important to think about that. What is your intention? What is the goal? Who are you looking to serve? Maybe you're looking to serve your boss. Maybe you're looking to serve yourself. Maybe you're looking to serve other individuals on your team, at work, your family, maybe your clients, who are you looking to serve? And when you're looking to serve them, are they going to be served by your perfectionism? That's the thing you really need to think about. If they're going to be better served by you producing something versus producing nothing, that right there will tell you it's time to get your work out into the world. It's time to get that thing out. It's time to get that report on your boss's desk. It's time to get the podcast produced. It's time to get that draft of the book that you've been kicking around out to somebody who can help you with it, even if it's not perfect. It's time to get the social media post up, even if it's not perfect. Keeping the big goal in mind is going to be the thing that's going to help propel you over that perfectionism, because you just have to remember, is it better for the person or people that I'm serving, even if it's yourself, is it better for them to have nothing from you because you're waiting until it's perfect or to have something from you because that something could provide value?

And then finally, the way that I like to think about perfectionism, this is what I was taught when I was going through coach training and it's a concept I really like, which I hated at first, I will say, it's called B minus work, meaning (you guys can probably figure out what that is. It's not like a coded term): being OK with B minus work is the way to get over perfectionism. You won’t know if something is good or not until you actually get it out into the world. Get it out and then get more of it out and keep trying and keep iterating and keep building on what your successes are. And the only way to do that is to be okay with less than perfect work.

Could we just lower your bar just enough that you can get yourself to produce so that you're actually producing, getting feedback and saying like, oh, do people want to buy this? Are people interested in this? And you can continue to expand and build on that. The reality is your perfectionism is not going to help you if it's preventing you from putting something out into the world or meeting a goal that you want to meet because you're never gonna know. You'll never know if you can meet that goal if you're saying, “I'm not gonna do it unless I can do it perfectly”.

And finally, the final piece of this, which I will do a longer podcast on at some point, is the piece around, “What will other people think?” I don't want to produce something that isn't perfect because I'm worried what other people will think. I'm worried what people will think about my podcast if it's not perfect, so I don't want to put it out until it's perfect. I'm worried what people will think about my home, so I don't want to have people over until it's perfect. I'm worried what people will think about my business, so I don't want to put anything on social media until I know it's all perfect.

And the reality is this, you worrying about what other people think and you thinking that other people expect you to be perfect is not helpful. Because no matter what you do, you cannot crack inside somebody else's brain. You cannot ever truly know what they're thinking. And people get to have their thoughts. They're gonna have their thoughts, no matter what. So even if what you produce is perfect, even if this podcast that I produced today is perfect and it's got, you know, more downloads than I don't even know who's at the top anymore. I hope it's not Joe Rogan. But like, even if it's the best of the best, there are still going to be people out there that don't like it. There's still going to be people out there that have an opinion. There's still going to be people out there that like it, but don't listen to any others. It's a no win situation to try and base what you're doing based on other people and what they might think.

So the way I like to think about it is, okay, if I produce something that's not perfect, it's B minus work, it's B plus work, and I get that out there and other people have comments about it, thoughts about it, talk behind my back, have thoughts in their own head that aren't flattering, whatever it is. The reality is, like, they're gonna do that anyway, so me trying to control that is not a useful exercise. And I like to think, I'm just going to let them have their thoughts. They get to have their thoughts. I get to have my thoughts. I have thoughts about what people produce. And maybe people will think, oh, she's not that good at this. Maybe people will have judgments and thoughts about what you're producing if it's not perfect. But even if you produce something that is perfect, they'll still have judgments and thoughts. So fuck it! Look at the most successful people in the world. Whoever you can think about, there are people that criticize them. There are people that criticize Oprah. Truly think about it like that. There's just no way to please everybody and that's kind of amazing because you can just accept some people are going to like what I produce and some people don't and that's okay. That's a thought I love to practice over and over again and it really helps when I get stuck in a cycle of worrying about what other people think. It's like some people are gonna like this and some people won't and that's okay.

All right, so that's what I have today. I hope this has been useful for you. If you would like to learn more, you can always jump over to makeyourpivot.co, learn more about me, my work. You can also find me over at Instagram on pivot underscore coaching. I hope that you got something useful out of this episode. It was fun doing this one off the cuff, and I will look forward to seeing you guys next time. Perfect or not. Thanks again for listening to today's show. If you liked this podcast and want to learn more about coaching with me, you can head over to make your pivot dot C O where you can find out more about my work and sign up for a free 60 minute coaching session. Come on over. I'd love to work and sign up for a free 60 minute coaching session. Come on over. I'd love to coach with you soon.