Episode 8: The Problem with Worrying About What Other People Think of You

Worrying about what other people think of you is normal, but it's not very useful. And if you're someone who is trying to make a pivot - like change your career, your relationship, where you live, who you spend time with, how you spend your money, your health habits, or anything else - it can be really easy to get sidetracked by the opinions that other people may have about what you're trying to do. In this episode Coach Stephanie walks through this very common problem *as she experiences it often when telling people she's a life coach!), and offers a process you can use to move past the opinions of others and stay true to what it is that you really want for yourself.

Hey friend, welcome to another episode of the I'm the Problem Podcast. I'm your coach, Stephanie Finigan, and on today's episode, we're gonna be talking about the problem of worrying about what other people will think.

I love this topic so much because this comes up so often, not only for the clients that I coach, but also myself. This is something I'm constantly working on. Even creating this podcast and putting it out into the world I'm constantly worrying about what other people will think and needing to manage my mind about that. Same with anything I post on social, same with anything I put out there publicly. So I definitely understand this topic and I understand the challenge of it. And I've seen where it can really block you from moving forward with the things you want to do.

Getting other people's opinions or other people's thoughts in your brain can really get in your way to moving towards whatever goals you want. I do coach a lot on setting big goals and changing your mindset to become the person who can accomplish those goals. All of that stuff is related here as well. Often what other people think comes up as an obstacle for my clients when they are trying to make a really big change or go after a really big goal in their lives. So this one, again, is one that can really hold you back from becoming the version of you that you want to be, from achieving the things you want to achieve. I've written about this on the Pivot Coaching website. I haven't done a podcast episode on it yet, so here we go. Let's dive in.

Let's just start by acknowledging that we all do this. We all care what other people think of us. We have a tendency to think that we're going to outgrow this at some point or we're going to move past it, and hopefully that's the case. Certainly as we get older, certainly as we experience more life, hopefully we learn to put less and less of an emphasis on what other people will think about us and the choices that we make. But the reality is often many of us are still wrestling with this. Even if you're a coach, even if this is something that you coach other people on, like I said, this is still a big one for me.

I remember when I turned 40 saying to people, I really don't care what other people think of me anymore. This is one of the upsides of turning 40. That worry is gone. And to some extent, in some situations, that actually was true. There are certainly things that I used to worry about a lot more. Once I turned 40 I was a little bit like, you know what, I don't have time and I just don't care about this the way that I used to. One perfect example, I used to be very self-conscious of how I looked wearing shorts in the summer and like my legs weren't skinny enough. I would beat myself up about that a lot. Around the age of 40 I just started realizing, you know what, I don't care. It's hot, I'm wearing shorts, I kind of don't care what I look like to other people. I think I look pretty good. Let's move on. I've got other things to worry about.

However, there are plenty of other examples where that worry about what other people will think of me is right there still and is as loud as it was when I was in high school, like worrying about the mean girls. We worry about what other people think all the time. We know it's a waste of time when we do this. Most of us are very aware of that, but we do it anyway. That's okay, because to push back against that, it's a fight against our normal primal instincts.

So if we go all the way back, when we were evolving as humans coming out of the cave into modern day high school or office buildings or dinner parties or family functions or whatever, we had a better chance of surviving if we weren't rolling solo. So worrying about what others think of us and doing whatever we can to fit in and not get voted off the island is actually a totally normal way of functioning. However, as I love to say, just because it's normal doesn't mean it's useful. And the fact is, when we were, or even if we are today, in a true life or death situation, physical safety is at risk situation, then yeah, having a group around us increases our odds of coming out okay. But for most of us, most of the time what we're talking about here, that's not the case. Being worried about what the mean girls, what the Regina George of your high school class will think of your social media posts now that you're a grown woman, or what your mother-in-law will say about your parenting style, or what your friends will think of your partner, it's not the same threat level as being mauled by a wild boar when you stepped out of the cave alone.

We know this logically, that emotional risk is not the same as physical risk, but our primitive brains really haven't evolved to understand that difference. So risk is risk to our brains. That's why when you're going to hit publish on a blog post or a podcast episode, when you're going to do something out in public or you're going to do something where you're going to be vulnerable or exposed to other people's opinions, then it can feel like a life or death situation and it can feel really scary. I say all of this as a coach and as a person who has and still does experience this panic of like, “Oh my God, what are they gonna say about me?”

Calling out the elephant in the room, I am a life coach. You wanna worry about what other people will think of you? Try telling the average person that you're a life coach. Once you say, “I'm a life coach”, just sit back and wait for the raised eyebrows, the slight smirk, or the polite dismissal. People have all kinds of opinions about what a life coach is and who you must be if you call yourself one. And if you're someone like me, whose career has been in a totally different field, or someone like me who on paper does not check every box on that mysterious has her shit together life list, then the idea of putting yourself out there as a coach really does bring on the emotional wild boar because you just are exposing yourself to other people's opinions. And it can be really concerning to the point where you can sort of stop yourself. I've been in the situation where I haven't spoken up about my profession, where I haven't confidently told people I'm a life coach because I'm worried what other people will think. And all that does in the end is hurt me, my confidence, my business, my opportunities. Of course it does, but at the end of the day, somehow being scared of somebody else's opinion sometimes outweighs everything I know I want to do and be and say to support my business and my profession.

For you, it might not be that you're a coach and you're anxious about telling people or that you're putting a podcast out and you are worried what people will say, but it might be something like you want to make a big life change and you're scared of the opinions of others. Maybe you want to make a career pivot and you are concerned because your partner won't be supportive or your family will think it's irresponsible or you're worried about what your current co-workers will say and then everyone will think you're crazy or maybe you're in an unhappy relationship and you want to leave it whether it's a marriage or something else and you're worried about the opinions of other people. You grew up in a situation where people said, “No, no, you can never leave your partner. You can't leave if you have kids. You can't leave and divorce your spouse no matter what,” and maybe you want to and maybe you feel like that's the right decision for you but you're holding back because you're scared of what other people will say. Maybe you do want to launch a business or a podcast or become a coach and you're worried that you don't have the perfect life so why would anybody listen to you and so you're worried about what other people will think. Maybe you like to write and you want to put something out in the world and you're concerned about the criticism of others.

So what exactly are we supposed to do if you really are concerned about what other people think of you and you can recognize that that might even be stopping you from taking steps in the direction that you want to go in, whether they're big or small, whether they're personal or professional. I always think like, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to stay quiet on the things I want in my life until everything is perfect? Am I supposed to stay quiet about my business until I have everything nailed down perfectly so no one will judge me? People are going to judge anyway, right? So whether it's perfect or not, and who says what's perfect.

So the way to handle worrying about what others will think is to really start by understanding what's going on with you that makes it so the comments or the opinions or the thoughts of other people trigger you in a way that can hold you back or give you pause and when it comes to moving forward on your own goals. In other words, it all starts by understanding that the call is coming from inside the house.

Let me give you another example. If someone I even vaguely know says something snarky about a coaching post I put up on Instagram and I hear it, I may think, “Oh, I'm so embarrassed. You know, I feel so stupid”. Somebody else might hear what she said (I'm just saying it's a woman for the sake of this example), but someone else might hear that and think, “That's so rude. I can't believe she said that”. And another person might hear it and think, “Who cares what she thinks? She's not a coach. She doesn't want to hire a life coach. She's not your audience. Keep moving.”

So what the mean girl in this example says about my post will create different thoughts from different people. What she thinks and says is actually totally neutral until I give it some meaning, which happens when I have a thought about it. In this case, if someone says something snarky about my post, I can choose to think, “I'm so embarrassed”, and then that thought will create a feeling like shame or embarrassment, and then that will lead me to take an action, like maybe I delete the post, or I don't post again, or I block her, or I decide to believe her, and I hide under the covers all week and don't post anything else. I can take any number of actions, but they're all coming from that feeling of shame or embarrassment, which was created by my thought about her comment. And note that none of these actions will get me the result that I want, which is more people engaging with my post and with my coaching overall. So all that just because my brain had an unhelpful thought about some flip comment that someone I don't even know said. Again, this is normal, it's just not that useful.

The other option here, if we're still on this example, is for me to start to change my thoughts about that comment so that I can get the feelings, actions, and results that I do want. In order to do this, one place to start is just to question the thought, “I'm so embarrassed” that my brain might offer up. So again, I make a post, someone says something snarky, I hear about the snarky comment, and then I think, “I'm so embarrassed”. And rather than just move forward, I can actually just start to kind of question and examine that thought. And the process of questioning your thoughts really isn't complicated. It's exactly what it sounds like. It's asking questions. But the key to all of this is just to start from a place of curiosity when it comes to your thinking.

When you notice that you're feeling something that feels uncomfortable, like feeling embarrassed or ashamed or foolish, then think what's the thought that created that feeling, and then you just start to question that thought. Examples of questions I could ask are like, “Huh, that's interesting, why exactly am I embarrassed? What exactly is there to be embarrassed about? I just made a post and somebody had an opinion. It doesn't mean I'm dismissing my embarrassment, but just questioning it, like what exactly is embarrassing about that? Why does this person's opinion matter so much to me?” And the key is be honest here. The knee-jerk response is usually something like, “It doesn't matter!” but the reality is it does at least somewhere in your brain otherwise this wouldn't be bothering you and that's okay. Just start to explore why that might be the case.

So why is it? Is it because this person is a life coach and I admire them and I think they're critiquing my work from a place of experience and knowledge and know-how? Is it because this is somebody I'm trying to impress or I'm trying to gain their confidence? Is it because this is somebody I used to want to impress when I was younger or you know in a different situation and I'm just kind of letting that idea kind of be a hangover into this current situation? And then you can just ask why is this a problem?

Okay so let's say I do feel embarrassed. Why is that a big deal? It's just a feeling. It'll pass. Why is it such a big deal? When you start to question your thoughts and you start to see what comes up for you, you can then ask yourself other questions to help you start to shift your thinking to something that might feel better and might be more useful for you.

So some examples of that could be, you're still on, “I'm so embarrassed”, but then you can start thinking, “Okay, what else could be true here? Yeah, I'm embarrassed, but could it also be true that she didn't say those things? Could it also be true that she's wrong about the comment? Maybe she doesn't like my post, but maybe I do, maybe other people do. Is it true that she can have an opinion and it could not affect me? Who would I be if I dropped this thought?” That's another one. So if I just chose to not think, “I'm so embarrassed”, if I was like, “Oh, I'm really not embarrassed, that's just not a thought I want to hold on to,” and I just dropped the thought, then what would happen? What do I want to think instead?

Maybe I want to think her opinion doesn't really matter Maybe I want to think, “Yeah, I'm embarrassed, but it's okay. I can be embarrassed. It's not a big deal.” Maybe I want to think like, “Yeah every entrepreneur who puts something out into the world feels embarrassed.” So you want to start thinking, “What do I want to think? And can I believe that thought right now?” And if not, “What do I want to think that I can believe?” And that's why I like going back to a thought like, “Yeah, I am a little embarrassed right now, and that's okay”. Because I can believe that thought. I can feel embarrassed and still keep going.

Here's the thing, if you want to make a big life change, if you have a big goal, if you want to change something significant about your personality or your profession, or how you spend your time or the structure of your family or the structure of your professional day, whatever it is, whatever you want to change, it's likely that other people are going to have opinions and it's likely that you're going to care. And there will be times where it makes total sense to hear other people's opinions and feedback and take it in. So the key here isn't just to say, “Forget it, I'm just going to change my thoughts and ignore what everybody else thinks”. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is change your thoughts so that you can start to feel a little better and then you can just start to think, “Okay is this someone whose opinion I value? Is this someone who I want to hear from? Is this someone whose opinion matters to me and I want to make decisions with their thoughts in mind?” And if so just ask yourself why. If the knee-jerk reaction is, “Well, it's just it's my husband, it's my wife, it's my partner, and so I just need to make sure they're happy, so I'm not going to do what I want to do. I'm not going to make this change. I'm not going to put something out there because I want to make sure they're happy,” that's probably not a good reason because just like you can't crack into somebody else's brain and figure out what they're thinking, you also can't make somebody feel something.

If, like I said, you are hearing someone's opinion and they're an expert in your field and you're trying something new. If I have a life coach who's experienced who I really admire and she's telling me, “You know what, when you put out that podcast, it wasn't very clear, it didn't make sense, I didn't follow what you were saying.” That's, you know, going to be tough feedback to hear, but also I'm probably going to listen to that feedback. I'm probably going to listen to her opinion because that's somebody who I admire who is doing what I want to do and who is where I want to be. That might make sense. That's when listening to other people's opinions actually can be helpful.

There's a big difference between worrying about what other people will think and letting that prevent you from moving towards the goals you want and making the change you want versus listening to the opinions of other people, taking in what's valid and useful for you and taking that information forward towards your goals. The point here is this, don't let somebody else's opinions stop you from going after what you want, from moving towards the goals you want, from making the change that you want to make. Instead, just pause, notice what you're thinking, question those thoughts, and then ask yourself, is this somebody whose opinion I truly value and is gonna be useful for me to hear from. And from there, that's when you can start making decisions about whether or not you want to hear it and what you want to do with it. You can always take in feedback but do not let somebody else's thoughts or opinions get in the way of the thing that you really want to accomplish.