Episode 9: Vanderpump Rules and How to Set Boundaries (Really)

Setting boundaries is something we should all know how to do, but very few of us are ever taught how to do it...And watching Vanderpump Rules is something we probably never need to do, but so many of us do it. In this episode, Coach Stephanie will walk you through how to set a boundary in a way that's actually going to be helpful for you - and gives you an example of how this is (and isn't) done on a vintage episode of Vanderpump Rules. Because who better to learn "what not to do" from than those crazy kids on Bravo....Enjoy!

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the I'm the Problem podcast. I am your coach, Stephanie Finnegan, and I wanted to do this episode today on the problem with boundaries. And what I mean by that is the problem that most people have in understanding, properly setting, and carrying through on boundaries.

This is such a touchy topic for people because it bleeds right into people-pleasing, it bleeds right into being concerned about other people's feelings, it bleeds into our relationships all over the place, and it shows up everywhere. And I think the thing is, if you were taught how to set a proper boundary and how to stick to them, you were very lucky because most of us were not taught this skill and it's one of those it's like this and understanding what the hell credit is or things that I just can't figure out why we're not taught. We need to understand financial literacy and healthy emotional tools to help us navigate the world and those are sorely lacking in our public education. Anyway I digress….

The boundaries thing came up for me because I was watching an old episode of Vanderpump Rules. If you know me at all, you know I love myself, my Bravo. I don't care what anyone says, I'm starting to really enjoy this season of Vanderpump. So I've been going back and re-watching Vanderpump from the very beginning. If you haven't done that, I would just say, just give yourself a treat and do that. It's problematic in so many ways, and I understand that, but also it's just like, oh, sometimes you just need some vapid, empty shit for your brain. In coaching, we call that buffering. I love buffering with Bravo. So there we go. Maybe that's my new podcast.

So I was watching an old episode of Vanderpump and it was an episode where James Kennedy, the controversial DJ, was having a conversation with his mother who, you know, seemed sort of toxic and terrible. They were talking about boundaries and he was saying, “I'm gonna set a boundary. I don't want you to talk to me about dad anymore”. His parents had a very acrimonious divorce and it was all kinds of messy. And so he said, “I'm gonna set a boundary. I don't want you to talk to me about dad anymore.” And I couldn't help but think that that was not the proper way to set a boundary. And so I thought it was just like a perfect example to share because it's super relatable. That's how many of us think about boundaries.

I also have a friend who was telling me that she does not like the way that her husband speaks to her kids sometimes. So he flips out, he yells, and just like generally loses his shit on the kids. And she was saying, I don't like this and I want to set a boundary and tell him that he's not allowed to yell at the kids anymore. And again, another example of I see the idea, I see where we're going with this and I see the intention, but that's not actually a boundary.

We often think of a boundary as we've got a rule, we have a statement, we have something that like a line in the sand we want to draw, and we're doing it to say, hey, you can't cross this line, you can't do this, you can't swear at the kids, you can't talk to me about dad, you can't, whatever it is. The reality is that's not quite what a boundary is.

What a boundary actually is, is you saying, “Hey, you other person get to do whatever it is that you want to do. If you do X, Y, and Z, I am going to do A, B, and C”.

And this goes back to, I'll get specific in a minute, but this goes back to this idea that we talk about in coaching a lot, particularly when we're coaching on relationships, which is you cannot control other people. You cannot make them think a certain way. You cannot make them feel a certain way. You cannot make them act a certain way. I really wish you could. Everything would be easier and better if other people would just do what we want them to do. Life's problems would largely be solved. However, not the case. Never has been, never will be. Everybody gets to have their own thoughts and those thoughts lead to their own feelings and it's their job to figure out how they want to act based on those feelings and the results they're going to get. So I like to think of it like we're all kind of walking around the world in like clear plastic Easter Egg bubbles and what that means is no matter what happens you get to have your own thoughts and feelings nobody else can touch. They're yours. And everybody else gets to have their thoughts and feelings that nobody else can touch, it's theirs. And you can't go in there, you can't pop your bubble and pop their bubble and break in and make them think or feel a certain way. So I just like that visual, it might sound sort of silly, but I just like that visual because it just helps me realize and remember, right, I get to have my thoughts about this, you get to have yours.

So what this has to do with boundaries is telling somebody else, “You can't do X, Y, and Z anymore”, or “I don't want you to act this way, you can't say that, you can't talk to me about dad, you can't yell at the kids”. That is not a useful boundary because at the end of the day, what somebody does, that's on them. They decide what they want to do. You can put up a rule and you can make a request of other people, please, by all means, let other people know what you would like from them make that request But they don't have to follow it. That's their choice. They get to choose whether or not they want to follow it. You get to choose what you're going to do if they don't follow it. That's the boundary.

Okay, so in the case of James Kennedy, he's saying, “I don't want you to talk to me about dad anymore”. A better boundary, an actual boundary there, would be, “Hey mom, if you start talking to me about dad, then I am going to leave the room. I am going to hang up the phone”. And then actually doing that. That's a boundary, okay?Because in that case, James is letting his mom do whatever she wants to do because she's an autonomous human and she can do whatever she wants to do. That is her right. However, James does not have to be around for it. James does not have to be involved in it. And being clear with his mother about the boundary is, “Hey, you can do whatever you want, but here's what I'm going to do if you do that. You can talk about dad if you need to, but if you do, I will hang up the phone”.

So the other example I gave my friend and her husband, she can say to her husband, “You have to stop yelling at the kids. I don't want you to do that anymore”. And he could say, “Okay, I won't”. That's not a boundary. That's a request. If she wants to set a proper boundary here, what she would say is, “Hey, I don't want you to yell at the kids. If you do that, then I will take the kids and we will leave the house,” or, “I will take the kids and we will leave the room.” That's a proper boundary. Because now you are letting that person know what your desire is. You are letting them know what you will do if they don't meet that request. And then everybody gets to choose what they want to do here. You get to choose if you're actually going to follow through on that boundary and you need to in order for it to be a proper boundary. And they get to choose, that other person gets to choose if they're going to follow your request, if they're going to do the thing that you've asked.

So those are some examples of actual boundaries. It can be tough because what that means is that you actually do have to take an action if the other person does not do the thing that you've requested, if you want to follow through on this boundary. You have to actually follow through on it. If you do, that's you setting the boundary. And every single time you do that, every single time you set a boundary and follow through on it when the situation calls for it, you are just strengthening that muscle. And the more you do anything, it's like reps at the gym, the more you do anything, it's going to make things easier for you to continue to do them.

So to land this plane, boundaries, you making a request of somebody is not a boundary. You saying to that person, “Hey, you get to do what you want, mom, you can talk about dad. If you feel like you want to talk about dad to me, go ahead. I wish you wouldn't, but if you do, you're an adult, you're going to do what you want to do, okay, but if you do, here's what I am going to do because I don't want to participate in that”. That's setting a proper boundary. If you can learn to do this, it's going to so greatly improve your relationships, it's going to improve your communication with the people around you, it's going to really help strengthen your self-confidence when it comes to requesting the things that you want and creating the kind of life that you wanna live and surrounding yourself with the kind of relationships that are gonna be the most supportive for you when it comes to pursuing your goals and living the kind of life you wanna live.

I feel really strongly about this. I know this is a tough one for people, but I really love looking at the example of Vanderpump Rule because it just makes it a little bit lighter, but also it's a pretty clear example of poor boundaries and how better boundaries could have helped in that situation.